I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.