I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no