Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.