Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?