DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
#polloftheday
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?