My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-