[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.