People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.