Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?