[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three