Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me