*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*