I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music