Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted