I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates