HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.