I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it