Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
True.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes