I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
