I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke