[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*