If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.