Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants