Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees