Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course