A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call