Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?