Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button