Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.