I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
