my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
out-housing market appears to be strong
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
💀🤣
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons