Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”