guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man