Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
