I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose