They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did