My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.