grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.