Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor