Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]