The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke