we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.