Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car