As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
