Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time