My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!