Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust