Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A