“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why