I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.