GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.