was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.