If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.